- - You can have it all, my empire of dirt.
I will let you down, I will make you hurt.- -

"It would be better for you if I left now." After several minutes, Wedge broke the silence, but he didn’t move toward the door. I remained quiet. Waiting. "Do you know how many people I’ve hurt? How many good people I’ve hurt?" He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand and continued. "When I think about it, I want to throw up. I look around at the people I care about and wonder who’s going to die because of me."

"Wedge..." He shook his head.

"I ordered Tycho to be on Coruscant, you know. Over the Provisional Council’s orders. If I hadn’t, he couldn’t have been implicated in Corran’s ‘murder’. Gods, Soral, he could have been executed! And it would have been my fault."

"That’s such a load of crap," I challenged. "Tycho was arrested because Ysanne Isard knew how to play the Council. What you did, ordering him there, that saved lives. You haven’t hurt anyone."

"What about you?"

I frowned. "What about me? You’ve never been my commanding officer."

"I was your wingman." That was true; right before he re-formed Rogue Squadron, Wedge had flown one mission with the Sentinels. I had made the biggest mistake of my life to date: I was too focused on the TIE fighter in front of me to notice the one behind until he got a lock on me. I ejected in time to survive, but got a nice long bacta bath (and Hobbie’s bacta crown). Wedge, of course, vaped both TIEs, then spent the next week outside the bacta tank with his hand on the glass so I’d know he was there.

I looked into his deep brown eyes and saw the guilt there. He nodded, knowing that I knew what he was talking about. I took a deep breath. "So, how hard do I have to smack you to knock some sense into you?" He looked startled and opened his mouth to speak. "Hush. I think I should be insulted, now that you bring it up. Anyone else would have gotten the dressing down of their life for that little stunt, but not me. You can’t let me take responsibility for my own actions. Why is that?"

"I should have been there..."

"You were there, Wedge. You did everything you could-- more than anyone else could have done." He looked away. "I don’t need you to protect me from the consequences of my actions. You’ve turned this around so it’s your fault for not shooting fast enough, and now you’re... what? You’re protecting me from you?"

"I don’t want to bring you down with me."

"I can go down without you." There was a flash of humor in his face. "Damn. That’s not what I meant." My eyes narrowed. "You’ve got to have a better reason than that. Just say you don’t want me."

"I don’t..." Wedge’s voice caught.

"I don’t want to want you." He took a deep breath. "Soral, my luck is running out. I probably won’t see thirty and it’d be selfish to be... to have...well, attachments," he muttered. I crossed my arms and glared at him. It would be so easy to take pity on him, all he needed was a little thundercloud over his head to be the very picture of misery. I knew he had something more to say, though, and he wouldn’t unless I pushed him.

I pushed. "You’re protecting me? How chivalrous." He flinched at my sarcasm. "How do you know what will hurt most? How dare you make that decision for me. Am I really so stupid, so... fucking weak that I need you to protect me? You want to keep me from caring about you? OK, how’s this... I hate you."

He looked stunned. "What’s the matter? That’s what you wanted. But let me tell you something, Wedge Antilles, nothing can hurt me more than knowing that you think so little of me."

"That’s not what I said," he protested.

"Then maybe you should stand over here, ‘cause that’s what it sounds like from this angle." I stalked over to the sink and poured myself another glass of water. "Think real hard about what you just said, and see if it makes one damn bit of sense." I raised the glass in a toasting gesture. "Congratulations, Commander, you may have just accomplished your objective. Have a nice life."

I downed the water, then leaned back against the sink and gestured toward the door. He looked at it, confused, as if he weren’t sure that I really wanted him to leave. I didn’t, but he had to make the decision on his own. He looked at me, stricken.

"Can I ask you something ?" He nodded wordlessly. "Who’s your wingman now; is it Tycho? Are you going to tell him you can’t fly with him anymore, because you might bring him down?" My voice became sarcastic. "Are you going to treat him, and Wes, and Hobbie like mynock slime so you don’t hurt them?"

Wedge offered me a humorless smile. "I’ve never made love to Tycho, or Wes, or Hobbie. I’ve never felt my heart beating out of its chest when they’re near." The smirk slipped right off my face. "I want you. And I’m going to lose you--you must know that. I want to protect both of us."

Wedge ran a hand through his hair, glanced at the door, then held his hands out in a placating gesture. "I feel like I’ve gone completely mad. I start to pull it together, you know, and I’m determined to end this. Then, when it looks like I’ve suceeded... I just can’t go through with it; every time... When I see you hurt, I know I’ve done that to you. It rips me apart." He straightened his shoulders. "I should have just explained why I couldn’t see you again when I made that decision. I’ve put you through exactly what I hoped to spare you from. It’s just that I hoped... until I got smacked in the face with the damage I’d done, I thought I could save us."

I just stared at him until he continued. "I hoped. Everytime I made up my mind to end it, I changed it when I saw you..." his voice trailed off.

And now? Have you changed your mind again? Please say you still want me Pitiful thoughts, those, and part of my brain fought against them, saying I should show a little self-respect and get rid of him.

"I’m an idiot, aren’t I?" he asked softly.

"Yes."

"Have I ended us?" I couldn’t meet his pleading eyes. "You didn’t say yes." So hopeful, his voice, so yearning, and something inside me broke. As tears filled my eyes I saw him cross the floor and my thoughts reeled when he gathered me into an embrace.

He’s doing it again, pulling my strings, and I’m letting him. No, not this time. He’s... he’s feeling the same as I am. He’s as screwed up as me and he’s just trying to make it through. How could I not care for him? How could I not love him? That idea shocked me so that I tried to pull back, to distance myself from the alien thought, and Wedge didn’t hold me. I slipped out of his arms and turned back, looking at his stricken face and brown eyes, wide and glistening.

I’d seen him hurt and I’d seen him angry, but I’d never seen him cry. This breaking down, peeling away of his last masculine defenses tore my heart. He didn’t turn away, but held my gaze and bared himself, all his fear and pain and regret. In that moment, in his openess, he was the Wedge I had wanted to love years ago. He brought his pain to me, trusting me with it.

There were only two steps between us, but they seemed like miles, and they grew as the silence stretched out. Panic rose suddenly in my stomach, born of the knowledge that our time was passing and I couldn’t stop it; if I didn’t move quickly, there would be nothing for us. I was never at a loss for a wisecrack or words designed to hurt, but now my emotions swirled unfocused in my head and there was nothing to do but close the distance between us and show what I couldn’t say.

My arms slid around his waist. After a moment’s hesitation, his hands moved over my back, crushing me into a painful embrace. I buried my face in his shoulder, surrendering to the torrent of emotions as Wedge murmured into my ear, sounds without meaning that soothed me nontheless, soft, quiet assurances of a truth we could no longer deny. After a moment, I pulled back slightly and looked into his face, my eyes wandering over the old scars and lines, seeing them as new. My index finger traced a scar pattern he’d earned at Hoth, too trivial to waste precious bacta on then. It had been new that first night and still painful, but now it was only a faded reminder of old hurts.

Wedge tightened his hold and gazed at me while I traced his features. His eyes closed in anticipation as my fingertips brushed his lips, but I didn’t kiss him. Instead, I splayed my hands across his back, feeling his ribs expand and contract as he breathed. Such a little thing to enjoy, but the rhythm of him always seemed sexy to me: the beat of his heart, his slow, steady breathing, his pulse racing under my lips...

His eyes were still closed as my hands moved lower, tugging his shirt out of the waistband of his pants, then sliding under the fabric to caress the muscles of his chest. He broke our embrace and yanked the shirt over his head, tossing it on a nearby chair before turning back to me. His eyes were wide and dark with lust as he reached for me.

My lover knew all my weaknesses, and attacked them systematically. He tangled his hands in my hair and massaged my scalp as he kissed me, his mouth gentle and undemanding. My lips parted, inviting him deeper, thrilling at the taste of him after so long. His lips left mine and I saw a glint in his eyes before he tilted my head and licked the hollow beneath my right ear.

My knees trembled and I swayed against him. His very nearness set my nerves to singing and sent a warm desire through my body. Wedge chuckled and brought one arm firmly around my waist as he continued to drive me mad, sucking my earlobe, biting his way down my neck and across my collarbone. His tongue darted into the hollow of my throat, making me gasp, before he feverishly opened my shirt and dropped it on the floor. His mouth reclaimed mine as his fingers fumbled to unhook my bra. I heard his growl of frustration at the same moment the fabric ripped.

"Sorry," Wedge mumbled as he discarded the ruined garment.

"I prefer the ones that open in front."

I laughed quietly, "I’ll plan better next time," and yelped as Wedge picked me up and carried me to the rumpled bed. He leaned over me and kissed my nose.

"Next time, don’t wear anything." My reply was lost as he covered my mouth with his own. I jumped when I felt his hand on my stomach, unfastening my pants, then my hips bucked as his fingers slipped inside and brushed my curls.

"Now, now," he broke the kiss and knelt on the bed at my feet. “Patience, love.” I saw his arousal clearly outlined through his pants and wondered how he could speak of patience. I was ready to scream.

He ran his hands over my stomach, then tugged at my remaining clothing. I lifted my hips to help him slide them off, never taking my eyes from his face. I couldn’t help but smile at the look of awe that flitted over his features, like I was the Corellian goddess of love ready and waiting for him. He stroked my legs, parting them slowly, then placed a kiss on my stomach before rising and burning me with a look.

"Close your eyes. And don’t move."

"Yes sir," I whispered obediently. I heard his footsteps, a few small noises... a cabinet? What is he doing? then footsteps again. The corners of my mouth curved up as I felt the heat of his body next to me once again.

"Can I open my eyes now?"

"No." I yelped when something painfully cold stroked the inside of my elbow, and squirmed as Wedge held my arm tightly. "Lie still, Soral. I promise you’ll like this." Squeezing my eyes shut, I tried not to wriggle as he traced patterns along my arm with the ice. His warm tongue followed the trail, licking the melted water, pausing when he found a spot that he knew would get me burning, then repeated the process on my left arm. The contrast between the ice and his mouth was tremendously erotic, and I found the heat within me spread, centering between my legs.

Wedge paused for a long moment and I relaxed, then jerked as drops of water landed on my breasts. My eyes flew open and I watched him carefully drizzle the melted ice over my chest, the corners of his lips curling up when I shivered. He moved over me and glanced at my face, his intense brown eyes burning into me. He held my gaze as his tongue snaked out to catch a rivulet of water running down my breast, then flicked over my nipple, sending another burst of pleasure to my pulsing knot of nerves.

The look in his eyes was more eloquent than words could ever be, and Wedge let them speak for him, branding my soul as surely as his tongue seared my flesh. His wet hands traveled lower and caught my right leg, raising it as he sat up and knelt between my thighs. He squeezed my calf, massaging higher and higher as little jolts of delight raced up my spine. The ice was completely melted, so he raised my leg to his shoulder and nibbled at the crease on the inside of my knee.

That did it. I was a puddle of lust, begging for him, reaching out to draw him to me. His hands lazily kneaded my inner thighs as he ignored my pleas, so close...so close, but not close enough. The desire within me turned voracious and I longed to feel his hands, his mouth, all of him against me and inside me. I closed my eyes and whimpered as he continued to tease me.

Wedge slid his hands under me and lifted my hips, draping my legs over his shoulder and eyeing me like a meal laid out for him. That blasted smile drifted over his features again as he bent his head and placed light, tentative kisses to my stomach, moving lower so slowly. My eyes rolled back when he finally reached my labia and parted them with his tongue, savoring my juices. He eagerly lapped up the evidence of my need as I writhed against his face, moaning his name. His tongue traced my inner lips, drawing another strangled cry before he delved into my core.

The sight of him, his face buried between my thighs, and the feel of his mouth against my most secret place drove me wild. I was on the brink when his lips fastened on my clit and my body began to shudder, bucking against him. As I reached the height of my orgasm, he licked the tip of my nub, sending me even higher. I went rigid, unable to move or moan or even breathe for a long moment until I hit the absolute peak and the world shattered before my eyes. A howl tore my throat as wave after wave of sheer bliss crashed over me.

Fingers were stroking my face when I came back into myself. Gentle lips pressed against mine, then trailed down to my ear where a soft voice whispered, "I love you, Soral. You’re everything to me." I opened my eyes and turned my head to see Wedge laying beside me, holding me close.

I didn’t say anything, just kissed him and rolled forward, letting my weight press him to the bed. I slid down his body, caressing his toned frame, until I came to the only remaining barrier between us. His cock strained against the fabric covering it as I rubbed against him, making myself wet again.

So many little things seemed erotic to me then, like the way Wedge bit his lip when I touched him; the slight curve of his hips and the way he moved as I undressed him; the way he pushed my hair back to watch me suck him. I swirled my tongue around the head of his cock, then took it into my mouth and sucked gently, tasting the liquid that dripped from his slit. My hands encircled his shaft and pumped slowly, matching the tempo of my mouth.

I took him in as far as I could, unable to swallow him completely, inhaling his masculine scent and reveling in his pleasured cries. He was getting close, I knew, and I increased my speed. Wedge tugged at my hair and I looked up to see him watching me through half-closed eyes. "Come here," he whispered.

I crawled back up his body, brushing my wetness against him. Wedge rolled me onto my back and nestled between my legs, trapping me under him. His voice was rough with need.

"I want to come inside you."

I pulled his face to mine and wrapped my legs around his waist as he propped himself on his hands. He kissed me fiercely, his hand moving between us to position himself. Little sparks flashed before me when the head of his penis rubbed my nub. He entered me swiftly and firmly and I hissed, digging my fingernails into his back. My sheath tightened around his organ, building the friction between us. Wedge threw his head back and growled.

"Gods, Soral. You’re so tight... you feel so... damn... good."

My hips bucked against his as he thrust slowly. We hadn’t made love in so long, but oh, my body remembered. The feel of him, the contours of his form, the way we fit together; it was like we’d never been apart. I looked up to feast on the sight of him moving above me, eyes clenched shut, chest heaving. I brushed his hair back from his face and whispered his name, drawing him down to me.

He kissed my neck and drew my knees tighter around him, penetrating me further. My breasts rubbed against his chest, teasing my nipples, and I arched my back, trying to increase the friction. Wedge knew exactly what I wanted and began to thrust harder as his mouth traveled lower and bit my nipple, drawing it between his teeth. My cries mingled with his feral growling and the sound of our stomachs slapping together in a quickening rhythm as we neared the edge.

It was all too much to handle... my senses were overflowing with him, his sweat-slicked back under my palms, the scent of sex that covered us, the building pressure at my core. I felt Wedge shudder and knew he was trying to wait for me. He buried his face in my neck, hands clamped on my hips as we rocked together. His teeth dug into my flesh and I screamed, scoring his back with my nails as I came, the room spinning out of control while I abandoned myself to the heat running through my veins.

Wedge raised his head. His hips sped up, his cock brutally pounding into me, sending me skyward again. He stroked my breasts more gently now, the disparity making me writhe against him.

"Say you love me." His voice was ragged.

I moaned in response.

"Soral, please... I need to hear it." His lips grazed my mine. The pleasure was unbearable and I couldn’t hold back.

"I love you... I, oh gods! Wedge!" His hand moved between us and stroked my clit, destroying all coherent thought. My vagina convulsed wildly, triggering his own orgasm. My arms tightened around him, wanting him closer, wanting to melt into him as he spilled his seed into me. There was nothing in the galaxy but this sweet agony, this glorious burning freezing pleasure. My blood roared in my ears, drowning out the sounds of our shared gratification.

Wedge’s body tensed, then went completely limp. He laid his head on my chest, panting, hair plastered to his forehead with sweat. The power of my orgasm drained away slowly, leaving me relaxed and contented. I shifted my head to look at my lover’s face, admiring how beautiful he was even when exhausted. He looked up at me and smiled, then rolled onto his back, pulling me across his body for a sweet, lingering kiss.

"Wedge?"

"Mmm?"

"Why did you know my door code?"

"I thought it might come in handy. Just in case."

"Just in case I didn’t chuck you out the magcon field in the hanger?"

He laughed softly and held me tighter. I studied that scar on his face and thought of how this night reflected our first. It began with an open wound, a raging anger, and ended with my head on his chest, comforted by the beat of his heart, still safe, still warm.

Finis

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